Working Mum

I knew I wanted to be an art teacher since the week I started a level art in 2007. I had such a clear plan after that. I even did three years as a cover teacher before training just to make sure that it was what I wanted. There was no doubt in my mind. I took to it so well, honestly I was made to teach. As a teacher my confidence has grown a million percent. I am good at it. A teacher is what I am.

So I always knew I would return to work after having Evie, and I actually thought it would be easy for me as I loved my job. Being a mum changes so much.

You can never fully prepare for that love you feel, I know this comes at different times for each mother. Some get that overwhelming feeling from pregnancy, to others it builds. For me it was a few hours after she was born, as I sat and watched her. I just stared at her. I had had a three day labour ending in an emergency c-section. I should have been exhausted and struggling to stay awake but at 3am with her peacefully asleep in front of me I just watched her. I thought to myself she is mine, this perfect, tiny, little thing is my daughter.

Then it’s like a shift in the universe, it is now all about your tiny human. You spend the next few months learning about them, then teaching them. Sleepless nights, playtime, feeding, weaning, teething, rolling, crawling, walking, talking. Even in lockdown you are constantly busy, you don’t have time to fully contemplate what is about to come.

BACK•TO•WORK

I knew when Evie was about 5 months old, as the maternity pay reduced and reduced, that I would never be able to afford to take the full year off. As a teacher terms and half terms are the easiest measure so after Easter was my plan, Evie would be 10 months. At this point it seemed so far away and I wasn’t worried.

Going back part time wasn’t an option for me, due to my pastoral role in the school and how much we need my wage as the bigger earner, with husband having to change jobs during lockdown.

I hate money worries they honestly are the worst for keeping me awake at night. (Even more than Evie) maternity pay has just never been enough for us to live on.

And It’s hard coming to terms with that. Surviving and paying bills is the thing coming between me and more quality time with Evie.

So the months counted down as my return to work started looming. The money continued to drop, my worries began to increase. Then the only thing that is getting you through the day is your baby, she was my distraction.

Evie kept me so busy, I didn’t realise the time passing. At 8 and a half months she mastered walking so that last month and a half just sped by. I remember the weeks ticking down.

Then the Easter holidays arrived and I realised I only had 2 weeks left at home with Evie. People made plans, lockdown restrictions eased and there were bank holidays, and nursery taster days, walks with friends, as well as me having to go into work for GCSE catch-up days. All I wanted to do was sit at home and cuddle Evie and not let her go. Those last two weeks were so hard for me. I feel like I had the worst attachment problems. I just wanted to be around her all the time. I didn’t mind her staying up later and not wanting to go to bed because I had more time with her. I wouldn’t put her down for naps I just held her and cuddled her. It had dawned on me that these were the last few days of just me and Evie time.

Then the guilt sets in. Oh the mum guilt it loves to rear it’s head and make a bad situation a 100 times worse. Why hadn’t I made the most of the other 10 months I had had with her? Why had I put her down for naps? Why had I got upset and wanted a break? Why did I let her play on her own? Why did I watch TV so much? Why didn’t I cherish every second?

Well because that is ridiculous. I have had a lockdown baby. It has been just me and her for most of her 10 months. She has had me. I am the one who baths her every night, who gives 99% of her bottles, who does every night feed, every dinner time. Who encouraged her to roll, to crawl, to walk. Who has 7,000 pictures (not and exaggeration) of her first year. I was there and I was present.

But now I don’t want to leave. I hate the thought of someone else doing those things for her. A stranger giving her a bottle, getting nap time cuddles, being the one to comfort her if she’s upset. I hate not knowing exactly what she has done at every moment of the day.

We have done a full week now. Work has kept me very busy so most of the day isn’t too hard. I am able to distract myself from thinking too much about what she’s up to. Though I found myself waiting for a lesson and thinking it should be nap time now, and this pang hits your stomach and you just want a cuddle. Drop offs and picks ups have been smooth, and Evie has settled in so well, way better than I expected with how little contact she has had with other people. So why does it still feel hard?

I have settled back into work, I still love my job. I have found my feet and it’s like riding a bike.

But every evening I’ve left Evie sleeping on me longer than I should. I’ve hugged her to a point where she gets annoyed, and I have played more than I did before. Even tired from a week at work and the lovely cold Evie got from nursery I haven’t wanted to stop. I want to enjoy every second with her. I still feel all that guilt because I am leaving her. That she is spending more time with other people than with me.

Will those thoughts ever get easier? Is this just the guilt I will have to deal with being a full time working mum? Do I deserve it?

The journey of motherhood is hard and so emotional and I don’t see that ever ending.

I know that I am working to provide a more comfortable life for my family. That I need to do that so that she doesn’t miss out.

It’s always a game of pros and cons and there will always be both. Work won, and I just have to make the weekends and holidays as special as I can for me and Evie.