Mum Guilt

Once I was physically and mentally able to peel myself off the floor, from the tight ball of stress I had become in a dark room, I felt compelled to write this.

Mum guilt absolutely suffocates me. I cannot reason with it, I cannot express my feelings and emotions to my partner, I cannot reasonably ask my child what I need her to do - it just builds and builds until I cant breathe and I need to lie down on the floor and give myself a time out.

I think its important to add here, that I obviously suffer from other mum anxieties and generally am not a chilled out mum, I’m not ‘a natural’ – but I want to write about the ‘mum guilt’ aspect as I believe all my other anxieties stem from the feeling of utter guilt about not being enough for my child.

You might be able to relate to all this, or it may sound absolutely unreasonable to you, but it is something that I suffer with on a daily basis. Some days are minor, but some days I spiral.

Let me paint you a picture –

It’s the weekend, I have a gazillion things to do that I have been putting off all week until there are 2 parents at home so we can share the parental load and my child would always have a bit of attention from one of us. Anyway, partner has been working hard all week, so he sits down to watch the rugby for a few hours – and that’s ok. He deserves a break. Meanwhile my child is following me around the house wanting to ‘help’ and that’s ok too! It’s very cute and I love her so much for it – but I need to get s*it done!

She is utterly uninterested in my partner and he is fully immersed in his sports, so she follows me around undoing all the jobs I’m trying to do in an effort to play with me, and I start to get a bit frustrated, she probably senses it so she plays on her own – now that’s when I begin to spiral. She is so obviously unhappy and doesn’t want to play on her own but both her parents are busy – and that fact alone absolutely devastates me. So now I’m stuck in this boiling pot of sadness and guilt for her but also intense frustration that I cannot in any way shape or form do anything productive when she’s around (including trying to earn money for the family) I run myself so ragged worrying and trying to please that I become so anxious and completely useless. I just cant get the balance right and all these emotions frequently turn in to resentment towards my family as i just need a bloody day off!

Now people have kindly offered up their advice as they do, and the general consensus is that I give her too much attention, I dote on her too much, I’m too hard on myself etc etc... Which I know is probably true – but I cant change who I am and I think its so important to be true to yourself when raising a child. So I’m here just burning out with stress, anxieties and constant guilt! Until I fall, then I build myself back up and I keep going…

Ultimately, I don’t have any resolution or advice to share as I'm still very much in this (and to be honest the kind of person I am – I will probably suffer from ‘mum guilt’ for the rest of my life )

However, what I can say, is wow we are resilient! Every mum I know is dealing with something and she always, ALWAYS finds that force to get back up again. Women are so completely and utterly bloody amazing! And I have endless gratitude for the fierce women in my life. And Sharing helps! Writing this is helping, talking to women I trust Is helping, and I’m finding through sharing that people get it! Im not alone. That makes things just that little bit easier.

Sara, Guest Blogger.